Beverly Hills

Thursday


If you're an avid reader of Bi Like Me, you may have come across the comments of a reader: Bev.
Here is an open letter to Bev (and others like her)..from me.

Bev:

You are obviously an intelligent woman, and a valued contributor to my blog and insightful commenter.  But, you, like me, like everyone out there, has an "agenda". Society has imposed on us different biases..whether it's because of ethnicity, religion, sexual preference, wealth status or sex. In addition to these biases, we also have those tendencies because of our upbringing, and other experiences in life.  We are molded by these biases and experiences to be what we are today.

You know about my experiences and upbringing. I've been completely honest about those on my blog. I don’t get an acknowledgement from you that this honesty, at least, promotes healthy discussion.  What are your experiences? I could guess, from your comments, even if I didn't know your sex, that you were a woman. Your statement are completely slanted against the other species - it's like watching the Oprah show (the old ones not the new and improved OWN network, which of course is gender neutral lol). I also could guess that perhaps in the past you've been scorned..maybe more than once, by a man. Maybe your father committed terrible acts against you or your mother..maybe it was some acts of former boyfriends or a husband.

I'm not bringing this up to be mean, but to point out that things are not always black and white – as you seem to always profess. There is a benefit to me keeping my marriage and family intact - both to me and my wife and kids. There are financial benefits as well as child rearing advantages to a traditional family unit.  There's the fact that drug use is more prevalent among "broken homes" and that criminals often are reared out of one parent households. You may also be surprised that there is a history between my wife and I and a friendship and emotional support system that survives to this day. Do you recognize this? You can never see that there is a benefit to others in this marriage..you just want the disclosure that apparently, you didn’t have the benefit of in your life or failed relationships.

The divorce rate in the United States is 51%.  Were all those men bad men? Are the failed marriages completely their fault? I think not. Do you think my thoughts about oral sex and women is unique? Is it because I sleep with men that my wife has decided that sex isn’t worth the effort? Please! If you have any married friends, if they were honest with you (and I believe most women probably are not honest with their women friends about it) they would tell you that their marriages are far from perfect – the statistics after all  - support this. However, I think men usually are pretty clear about the status of their marriages..I’ve spoken to them..I have friends apart from this blog, but I also I hear it on this blog. The men consistently say that sex is not what it used to be before they got married.  They also say that oral sex is usually the first to go.

Now I have never said that I stopped satisfying my wife via oral sex and that is when she stopped giving blow jobs. As a matter of fact, I often went down on my wife for many years, without the expectation that it would be reciprocated (I said expectation – but there was always hope!). Sex didn’t change for us when I became interested in men..I was always interested in men. It changed when my wife decided it would..independent of me. Maybe she could have done more..maybe she could have experimented..been more loving…more aggressive…made herself more desirable.  And yes, maybe I could have been more forthcoming.  But, I never said my marriage was the illusive perfect one.

I can’t believe anybody, south of the Connecticut Stepford Wives, would search out a mate based on bringing home a “good wife” to Mom theory that you have suggested.  Every man would tell you that ideally, they would love the “good wife” out of the bedroom, but a slut in the bedroom. Sex is, after all, the only thing that drives us men (check out the prevalence of porn, the success of prostitution, the availability of masturbation lubes and mechanisms – all targeted toward men).  Unless I’m a horse and buggy Amish blacksmith, I’m looking for a great mother for my child who has the flexibility of Nadia Comaneci (the famous Romanian gymnast) in bed.  Are you telling me that that combination isn’t available? Is being a good mother and being good in bed and sexually aware mutually exclusive? Tell Angelina Jolie that..Pamela Anderson, Cameron Diaz, Elle Macpherson and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Sex should be important to a partner – important enough that they want to be pleased..important enough to be pleasing. After all, despite the fact that perfect sexual relations involves pleasing another and often, thought of as being selfless - sex is a selfish act. You please another to ultimately get pleased back. The end result is usually orgasm.  – and you are hoping one of those is your own!  Yes, there are those that please just to please..without the necessity of reciprocation..but unless you have the money for one of those people, it's hard to find.

I have to tell you, I could count on my hand the number of times my orgasm occurred before I was sure that my wife got off (when we did have sex regularly). I always believed and wanted her to be satisfied first..and I always practiced that in bed.  Did she show the same interest in pleasing me? You could say that maybe she never truly appreciated things until they were gone – and by then it was too late.

I don’t think that being fat (and my wife isn’t -yet – but she certainly has not tried to be more in shape and healthy) also isn’t my fault. It’s not a symptom of a bad marriage..of abuse...of lack of sex..of her husband fucking men. It’s a personality flaw – a genetic predisposition that she fails to address and commit to.  I won’t go into the specifics, but suffice it to say that she doesn’t come from a line of healthy, thin family tree. Now, most of us probably do not come from a pristine genealogy. But, to continue a way of life when there is history against you is plain idiocy – and should be a personal goal, not used to send smoke signals to your husband that the marriage is not satisfying. There's heart issues in my family..and high cholesterol is the cause. Do I eat bon-bons and ding-dongs (the fattening kind) blind to my genetic history? No..my lifestyle has benefited me with an incredibly low cholesterol of 150 - without drugs.  Is it my job to encourage her to take better care of herself? Have you been in the room when I’ve asked encouragingly if she’s going to the gym today? Or explained nicely that a 900 calorie breakfast is not what they mean by “the most important meal of the day”? Or when we talk how family genetics can only be countered by exercise and proper nutrition? Or that I’ve tried to lead by example..by going to the gym..by eating well..and taking care of myself?

Yes, I generalize in my blog. Yes there are those that have healthy marriages – although I suspect it is about 25% (I would think that even some of the 49% of marriages that do not end in divorce are also imperfect – mine is one of them).  We all generalize. Blacks all have big cocks, Latin women love sex, Jews are cheap, Muslims are all terrorists, all dogs hate cats..and all women hate giving blowjobs. Yes, all those statements may not be true all the time.

My blog is biased..from a man’s point of view (I am a man). It is from the point of view of a married man (I am married) and from a man who engages in extramarital affairs with other men. Am I gay? Bi? Is my blog mis-named? Yes, no, who the fuck cares? Call it what you want…but, most visitors keep coming back for more – no matter what the name. It's easy to pick someone apart who puts himself out there everyday..easy to find loopholes, easy to say you should do this, or do that.One of the reasons I don't often respond to every comment is it is impossible for me to defend myself..not only do I know that what I do is indefensible, but also because I can't deftly defend every single misconception and feeling that other strangers have about me. I can say one tiny thing (for instance a sarcastic joke)..and it gets totally misconstrued by some..while others clearly get it. If I responded to every comment..I wouldn't have the time to write the actual blog entries themselves..and frankly..this blog would be more work than it already is.  I'm sure some will pick this letter apart and say AHA! he didn't say so and so..I can't be bothered with such trivialities.

Bev, you see how I gave you a few compliments in the beginning of this post? I can see there is good in a person who clearly is against my lifestyle – my agenda –  even someone I have not met. I know that you're opinions are important..and are worthy of expression. I also know that they come from a person who has been shaped by her gender and experiences, like we all have - and that's the beauty of blogging and receiving comments, isn't it? It should be an open discussion..and place to share ideas, thoughts and experiences based on your background.

I think, however, that for those commenters who find fault in what I do - we can agree to disagree: we can remain on amicable terms while continuing to disagree about some of the issues that surround this blog - but even for that - there has to be some common ground - something that you acknowledge is positive about this blog, my life, or me.  Hopefully one day, you can find some good in what a man does..even though you've been pre-dispositioned to disagree with him.
 

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