As you can imagine..it wasn't easy for me to read that letter from the reader who found my blog on his father's computer. After discovering my blog, he finally put it all together: his father was attracted to men and had been having clandestine sexual encounters with other men he had met on the internet for many, many years.Yes, the whole scenario was suspicious, to say the least. His calculated and methodological determination to uncover his fathers liaisons; the time in which he took to research the matter, as well as the thoughtfulness, the impressive intelligence and maturity in which he wrote, and has dealt with his fathers betrayal. Even the fact that he can see that his mother was no longer living up to her end of the bargain..what son would see that, would understand how a person who gave birth to him and raised him is a sexual being too? I totally suspected that it could have been written by a reader, just to fuck with me/us.
But, the fact that the letter itself may have been the contrived work of a reader of the blog, or whether it in fact is a real and authentic letter is insignificant. What is important is the discussion, the comments, the emotions and the thoughts that the letter has provoked. I mean, do you see the amount of comments made? Isn't that evidence enough of the letter's importance? For those idiots who accused me of writing that letter..god..where to begin...why on earth would I write such a letter? What does it do for me? I don't need a forum to compliment myself..I don't need an avenue to make it seem like a child would approve of what I am doing. If I wanted to do that..oh, look! I'm the fuckin author of this blog! I'd just come out and do it! I don't need to hide behind some letter. If you notice..most of the time, I'm my own worst critic. I understand what I'm doing here...to me and my family.
When I read the letter, I was shocked. I thought, "what if this should happen to me? What if I'm discovered? How would my family feel and deal with it?" It brought up many different emotions..shame, embarrassment, and disgrace. It brought me sadness and suspicion.
At first someone could think: "I don't want this to happen to me. I'm going to tell my family before they discover it." The result? A broken family..kids in denial, hurt and resentful.Another alternative is to resolve to stop the action: "I'll never meet up with another man again. I will be faithful to my vows to my wife." I've been there. In the beginning - when I first cheated on my wife..I was wrought with guilt - wondering what I did, and promising not to do it again. But, I'm a seasoned cheater now - I know that a promise isn't enough. I cannot control my feelings and desires, although I wish I could. Eventually, I'd be back on the same websites and begin the same hook-up routines that caused my first transgression. Soon, the guilt dissipated - and eventually, so did my desire to change my actions.
I'm not stupid enough to think what I do is right. I know what I do is deceitful. I know I'm not being honest to those I love as well as myself. I know my life, my legacy is all a sham. Apparently, this whole topic has inspired all my readers to comment..and I'm glad it did. That's why I thought this letter, real or not, was important to post.
I also am well aware that the writer's compliments to me are not something I can be proud of. It's a backhanded compliment when someone congratulates you on keeping your family together while at the same time you're doing everything wrong ethically and morally to tear it apart. I get it!
Despite that, for me, there is no "right answer." I take the path of least resistance..some would say the "easy way". I hope never to be found out. I hope my kids grow up happy and well adjusted not knowing that their father was a liar and a cheat. I want my wife to think that her marriage was not a sham..that I was there to provide for her and the family and that I was a good father to my children.
I'm hoping I go to my grave with my secret - and some days, I'm hoping that happens sooner - rather than later.
