The Dark Side of the Moon


There's a bad moon rising....

Recently, I've seen a few of my fellow blogger's thought provoking posts which were both interesting and reflective. They also were down right depressing, miserable, negative and suicidal. They are thoughts that I have had often..and had written about here.

"Cameron" in his blog If I Do the Right Thing wrote about how misery loves company. I saw his words and visioned my day and my unhappy life.  It could have been written by me. "MM" gave us all a serious scare in his post on his blog New Day, New Life. He seemed to be "signing off" whether that meant his blog or life nobody knew. But he did receive supportive comments from others and is seemingly OK now.

There are a few problems with this blogging thing: and the first is the anonymous commenters who vent hatred. They think that they are the authority on being gay, bi, and coming out. That they know what is right and should be done. But, it's never as easy as they think. Yes, us married, closeted guys could come out, but we've been struggling with this our whole lives. Yes, we are deceiving others, and robbing our "loved ones" of their lives....but, for us, from our point of view, there is no "winning". We can come out to our wives and family and cause disruption, heart-ache and the possible loss of our family. Therefore, we continue to hide and we lie, cheat, and break our vows.

The anonymous posters don't see the struggle we are under. They also don't sympathize with us, yet they continue to watch the car our blogs..and spew hatred and engage in bullying. Why do they read? Why bother to comment on something they find so distasteful? They push bloggers to the edge sometimes...telling us what we already know about ourselves.

These readers, who are so angry at our actions, so disgusted by what we do, so against the deception..why do you keep coming back and reading our blogs? This week, I posted some thoughts about my wife in this blog. They were thoughts..I didn't actually say them. I was venting and revealing to my readers what I think..good or bad. I never said that what I do, how I act or what I think is ideal: it's not. But, at least I'm disclosing to you how I feel. Isn't that what you want? Honesty from a writer? Do you want me to hide my thoughts? I don't think so.

What I said are probably thoughts I can bet thousands of people have had about their wives, in-laws or friends and coworkers. It was simply a response to the age-old question "Do you think I look fat in this?" To come down on me because I disclosed what I was really thinking was odd to me. You mean to tell me you haven't had the same thoughts about your significant other? Your in-law? Your best friend when asked that question?

Now with regard to my marriage..whether I was cheating on my wife with other girls or with guys, it doesn't matter. They say about 20 percent of marriages are "sexless marriages." I can tell you from speaking with friends of mine, people married for many years, that I am not alone. The reason for the sexless marriages could be incompatibility, work, family or social pressures, money issues, physical or medical issues, or it could be that one of the spouses is cheating. Again, you can't blame the almost 50% divorce rate in America on me.

Yet the venom that I received from a lot of you is off the charts. I've been called a liar, cheat, a horrible person, father, husband and even have been compared to OJ Simpson, a supposed murderer of two people. Yet, these commenters keep coming back for more. Keep reading, keep spewing venom and hate themselves. I have never intentionally stopped comments from being posted, and I read each and every one and approve each prior to publishing. But, should I deny anonymous comments? Deny those that are contrary or critical of me? I prefer not to, because I believe in not only the constitutional rights of free speech but encourage thoughtful, reflective and construction criticism. But often, the criticism is not constructive. I suppose there could be a way of being delicate or more tactful with your comments.

Cameron was right, guys that are Bi Like Me are miserable. We are unhappy..stuck in the middle - trying to balance a scale that is clearly unbalanced and out of whack - knowing what we do is wrong yet unable and too weak to take the leap and correct our wrongdoings.

We want to be happy, we truly do. But, we lack the bravery. We lack the bravery to come out to our loved ones and honestly, we also lack the bravery to take the ultimate step to rid ourselves of the torment we feel. See? I know what I do..I know that I'm worst critic aren't my's myself. I beat myself up every day..I don't need beatings from you too.

Despite what is written about us, despite the hatred that comes our way, the only solace is that we know we are not alone.


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