The Loaded Question


I've been asked that question before, many times. We all have (if you're married, or have a girlfriend, or significant other). It's the question that shouldn't be asked, unless you're a glutton for punishment. If you want to hear something bad, ask someone:
"Does this make me look fat?"

There's no winning. The honest answer, "Yes" would be worthy of death, in a not so painless way. Needles in the eyes? Placed in a cage with a hungry bear and being mauled to death as his dinner? A can of kerosene being poured on you and being tossed a match?  Buried alive?  Whatever is most painful, that's what you get if you answer honestly.

To lie and say "No." and say it convincingly is the issue. I mean, if someone is asking, it's unlikely they look like a swimsuit model. They're asking because, in all possibility, they do look fat, they have in the past looked fat, and typically..are fat.

My wife, asking me the question, requires quick thinking..maybe it's that Twix break I need (there's a commercial for a candy bar that shows a guy being asked some important question...or a teacher is asking a student a question in class and the person taking a bite of a Twix candy bar in order to allow him time to answer). But, that would require me carrying around a candy bar at all inopportune times...into the shower, when I get home from work, when I'm not expecting it.  It's like carrying around the Epi-pen, or a Hari-Kari knife, or a vile of lethal drug a soldier would carry in case of enemy capture.  I need that.

Or I can just swallow, take a deep breath, udder the words and be brave, and suffer the consequences.

"Fat? I wouldn't exactly say that. But, yes dear, that outfit does not look flattering on you.  But, rather than get angry at me, take this opportunity of constructive criticism to act on changing things about yourself that you don't like. Hit the gym, cut down on snaking, eat smaller meals. It's incredibly hard work, but, I know you can do it.  Frankly, you no longer look like the woman I married. You're still a great mother, person and friend. But, you look different and I can't lie and tell you that I'm not disappointed in how you've aged."

Anyone have that Hari-Kari knife?

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