Begin Again: "The Wonder Years"


(Originally posted 8/21/2009)
I rationalize my encounters with men while being married as not cheating. RATIONALIZE meaning..yea, of course i know its cheating. But, like the Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds home runs records, its cheating with an asteric. I have never ever cheated on my wife with another woman. I wouldn't even think of it. I have however, had many, many encounters with other men. They offer me something my wife, obviously cannot. Do I get a gold star for this? I doubt so.

However, I cannot possibly live my life without another man in it in a sexual way. I used to get very guilty in my times after being with various men. That guilt has faded away. Now, I hardly think about it. Its a secret I keep..and need to keep from everyone. OK, this is going to sound both ridiculous and scary at the same time...but, I've said before, my kids are what I live for. If it wasn't for them, maybe I wouldn't stay married..I don't know. But, I cannot, will not ruin a fabulous family life for my kids and be selfish. Yes, I am selfishly staying married to my wife out of allegiance to my kids. Its a sacrifice I make, every day, because, honestly, maybe I could be happier with another guy rather than being married. I don't know. But, for my kids sake I am sacrificing my happiness for them. I can go to my grave knowing that I did the right thing, I kept this family together, for them, and if I remain conflicted, unhappy, well, so be it. Like I said, small sacrifice.

OK, unhappiness...yea, I am. I have always been I think. When I was in high school, I wasn't the most popular, by far. I felt out of place, well, because I was different. My parents were lower middle class, and I was in a upper middle class neighborhood. Kids can be horrible if you don't wear Levis or Converse. I did have some great friends though. I still keep in touch with some. Others, I've chatted with for many years after, then, as seems to happen to friends sometimes, we just grew apart. But, I couldn't help but feel, if given a chance, I would do things differently. Well, my time was when I went to college.
When I started college, I decided, hey, nobody knows me, whether I'm cool, rich, poor, hot, athletic, etc. I'm going to do a makeover. I went to college, being who I wanted to be. I became a popular guy. The athlete, the girl magnet. It was always in me, I just was uncomfortable around those other assholes from high school to let it out. They kept it down. Now, things were different. But there lingers inside me this veil of unhappiness. Is it that I want to "come out" and be myself? I don't know. Maybe its just me..I have no idea.

What I want to talk about next is...the two great relationships I've had recently. :) (tease)

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