Acting Out


Lots of guys act straight when they're not. Some would say that I'm quite the thespian. Well, whether I'm gay or not..I am acting...acting like I'm not interested in guys..and that I'm straight (at least around family and friends). We all  hear about guys who come out of the closet..those that we thought were straight, but who turn out were gay all along.

But, what about those that act gay but are actually straight?  Where are those guys? You know, those who dress in fuchia - pinks and bright greens..those with the perfectly coiffed hair, stylish clogs, multiple earrings (in the proper gay ear), maybe leather pants - who actually are straight.  Where are those guys?

You'd think there would be someone out there who acted gay but isn't..although I guess - what would the advantages be of acting gay? Getting close to the girls as their fag hag? Finding some much needed relief in the gym sauna when your particularly horny? Easy appointments at the neighborhood hair salon?

People wonder if they "act gay."  There are websites that determine how gay you are..and people quote on their profiles the results like it's some kind of award, a badge of honor (I'm 90% masculine according to!).  So the ideal is apparently not to act gay.

New York Magazine came out with an article that was interesting. How many clues are you giving away?

Ten Things That Look Too Gay

Gay is good. Gay is great. But isn't sexual orientation so much more fun when you have to guess a little?

1. CLOGS: If you are not a chef, or lack some other compelling podiatric reason for wearing them in public, clogs are a little too, uh, cloggy. It looks like you belong on a paint can or with your finger in a dike.
2. TOO INTERESTING FOOTWEAR: This includes anything that looks like it was once part of a pony. Or patent-leather shoes -- especially white Gucci's with hardware. The only reason for having a bit on your shoe is if you plan on putting your foot in your mouth.
3. TWO EARRINGS: I don't care if you're a power forward in the NBA, wearing earrings in both ears -- especially matching ones -- is a little too symmetrical. If The Odd Couple were made today, Felix Unger would wear two earrings.
4. LEATHER PANTS: Ooh, mack daddy! Where's the motorcycle? Probably parked at the Y-M-C-A.
5. SYNTHETIC-FUR COATS: The teddy-bear- or gorilla-looking variety -- like the one that the spandex guy on Queer as Folk wears. There should be a People for the Ethical Treatment of Synthetics.
6. THE UNIFORM: A monochromatic dark-blue or black Gucci or Prada head-to-toe ensemble with peg-leg pants doesn't really make you look too gay -- it makes you look too gay-hotel-doorman.
7. PATTERN ON PATTERN: A plaid button-down under a plaid jacket with a Burberry tie? It might have looked good on that mannequin in the window -- but he never moves. Too display-department.
8. TIGHT STRETCH SPANDEX OR LYCRA: Unnecessary muscles are way demodé, especially when worn in conjunction with tight T-shirts. Pumping irony is much preferable.
9. GOATEES, CHIN PUBES, AND TIN TIN HAIRCUTS: You know that butch crop, waxed up in the front like a wave about to break? Suddenly, there are an awful lot of guys who look like Tin Tin on lower Eighth Avenue -- and even he looked cuter when he was 12. Too NAMBLA.
10. BLEACHED OR FROSTED HAIR: Billy Idol today, Quentin Crisp tomorrow. And don't even think about plucking your eyebrows.

Doesn't look like I match any of the 10 above...but I'm sure I can make my own test of things that are dead giveaways that you are gay.  That coming tomorrow!

Popular Posts