Begin Again: "A Real Love Part 2"


(Originally posted 8/30/2009)
So, everything was going well with Ross. We saw each other almost everyday. We definitely kept in touch. I remember times when I would be talking to him via IM him from work..all day. We'd both be hysterical. I'd be crying because I'm laughing so hard. Why can't it always be that way?

I have to tell you, all this is very recent for me. It brings up a lot of emotions still. Ross and I ended our relationship in May. In actuality, I would say it ended in December 2008, because as of that time, I noticed a change. Ross' work exploded, I mean, he got incredibly busy. With work, as all of you employed individuals know, comes stress. As it turns out, it was no longer me trying to find time to see Ross in my busy work and family life, but Ross being unable to break away from a conference call, a meeting or trip. Our morning workouts became less frequent. The afternoon trysts, less available. The IMs, texts and good nights and I love yous were replaced with silence.

The last trip we went on in May, was terrific, for the most part. In the beginning, Ross and I were alone on our trips, but now, because of his success, Ross had other associates along too, although we were the ones secretly sharing a room. Our time alone, was like old times and I mentioned that this is how I love to be. Together, spending time alone. But, it wasn't possible anymore for him and of course, I understood that. But, if I was unable to deal with his time constraints, then it wasn't going to work. I told him, as much as it pains me, I have to give it up then. I said, if you really wanted to see me, you'd make the time. But he said that there just isn't enough time in the day for his work and me and it was too much pressure on him knowing I am out there..waiting for him at the gym, or wanting to see him, or waiting for a call or text for him to deal with.

I know there wasn't another man, woman or animal involved, just so you know. One day, Ross will be famous, rich, and all his hard work will be worth it. Its something he's dreamed about since he was a child. I couldn't stand in the way of that. It stressed him out knowing I was unhappy, which I was.
Since Ross and I broke up, I've had my sad moments. I intentionally keep myself busy, trying not to think about him. He was, and to this day, still is the best relationship I've had with another guy. It was an amazing two years. I wanted it forever. I truly loved him, enjoyed our times together and trusted him with my life.

But I also know that him being so much younger than me had its consequences. He was bound to change, one way or another. If it wasn't work changing for him, it would have been, I donno-- school, or maybe he would move, or maybe he would realize he was into girls more, or wanted to be gay, or come out. I have no idea. But him being so young, he never got to experience everything like I did. Something was bound to get in the way of us being together forever.

Writing this makes me long for his kiss, his hands, his body, to hear his voice, to touch his lips. I often think about him...wish it could be the way it was...want to text him, call him. I won't allow myself to be suckered into it again, not with him anyway. I know, that if I see him, I'll fall again. Its been 3 months now since we've seen each other. We do IM each other briefly online when he's around, and he's not incredibly busy. But it can never be the same.

So funny thing happened yesterday. I'm driving on the LIE, and who's jalopy do I see next to me but Ross'. His car would stick out in a full JFK parking lot. I honked, waived and we rolled down our windows. As the traffic creeped along (if you know the LIE, you know what I'm talking about) we chatted "How are you?" "I'm ok, how are you?" "Good, good.." "I'll text you" he said as the traffic broke.

Ok thing about can be the greatest thing in the world. For us, it was almost a way of life. I could be at my son's baseball game, with my wife at the mall, or at work, and I can have a text conversation all day with him. But, it can never, ever, replace the sound of someones voice. At some point, texting was all we had. How are you..I'm good..doing whatever. Fucking call me! Let me hear your voice..let me hear some emotion! Sometimes text jokes don't sound like jokes,. sometimes sarcastic humor sounds mean. Pick up the phone!

RING! Oh god..he's calling! Ross..your calling me? Whats the occasion? He says he figured calling would be better (it was). Yada yada, fine fine, good good, stories to tell about my ball game, his work, my family, his sick grandmother, my car, his car, weather..etc. And yes, the summer has gone quick, and we should make plans to go to dinner...that would be great. OK, yes, lets talk..when you get a chance, not too busy, we can make plans. CLICK.

And that was it. I spoke to Ross. Still miss him, love him, want him. But I much as I humanly can..that I will not involve myself with him again. I cannot go to dinner and have something happen and have him not be around for the next 3 months. Not with way. I hope I sound convincing...

AGAIN, I want to encourage you readers to send me your stories. I'll post them here. Let's share our loves and losses..and trials and tribulations. Also, click to the left and keep updated on this blog. THANKS!

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