Frat Star Friday: Bro Dating


Hi, I’m Frat Star. 

I’m in my early 20s and, in order to spread my unbound wisdom to a lot of young guys in a similar position, I’ll be writing "Frat Star Fridays!" from now on. I’m a great guy, so I thought I’d tell you a little about myself: 
   When it rains, it is because I’m thinking of something sad.
    I punched a clown once. That’s right. You heard me. 
    When in Rome, they do as I do. 

Now that I’ve introduced myself to you, feel free to hit me up with any comments, compliments or questions (complaints too, but I know there won’t be any of those) at
It’s dark and the lights, music and people in the basement are blaring. Credence Clearwater Revival is on full blast. In loud fraternity basements, you have to communicate via body language.

There’s a girl standing in the corner who’s checking me out. I look back at her and keep my gaze for five seconds. She giggles and gets nervous. I like to flirt. I keep myself busy pouring drinks so that she won’t come up to me, but aim to make sure that she doesn’t consider me her only suitor for tonight. Half an hour later, I realize I’ve gone to far in throwing drunk faux-game.

"Fuck." I think to myself. "Why can’t she check out one of the other brothers?" Ten minutes later, my savior arrives. He’s tall and handsome and as I see him I can’t help but smile. He nods his head up and I can’t help but smile a little bit. As we catch eyes, I see it. A swift jerk upward of the head, but its so dark I can only make out his flat brim. It’s my dude. He walks quickly but confidently up to the bar.
"Hey dude, what’s up!" he says with a huge smile as we do a one-armed hug. From the hug I can see her. She’s a little surprised, but she understands the picture clearly now. This dude is gay.

If you’ve just come out, it’ll take a while to establish a solid footing before you’re able to find someone. People do different things before they come out and act in different ways. It depends on your demeanor. I was a little bit of a whore before I came out. My partners were often selected via the internet, and there was absolutely nothing aside from casual conversation. I’m sure you all know of the "five minute chat" before you hook up. You ask how the other person that happens to be attached to a penis is doing. "Fine," he says while continuing the hollow small talk. Five minutes later, after you’ve taken off your coat (and maybe hid your cell phone) he says the same line everyone says with some variation: "So… want to chill on my bed?"

These types of relationships – hookupsreally, but if you take it from the most reductionist standpoint possible, I guess they are relationships of some form – are pretty unsatisfying. There’s no warmth to them. You don’t get the same electricity you do from kissing someone you like. Usually, you dispense with that kind of softness: you’re there fore a nut, not to cuddle. However, I understand the argument that young men need to have a lot of sex before they settle down. I used to think that was a perfectly valid statement, but now I’m personally not so sure. This has to be your decision. I know some people who are totally cool with being abstinent for years before they find someone to have sex with. I also know guys who are completely unethical and have zero issue in leading you on to thinking you guys will have something – even days after the fact so that they don’t feel so guilty about using you – but were just chasing a one night stand.

You’ll basically notice from what I’ve written that you’ll change immensely after you come out. Developmentally, you’re really at the level of an 18 year old. You discover new parts about your body and what you enjoy sexually. Six months ago I would have never entertained the idea of anal sex. Now, I enjoy what I colloquially call "flipping" or the act of trading the role of the penetrative partner (for some reason this exact term doesn’t get used a lot, but it should be). This isn’t to say that the penetrated partner is any less of a man, but I personally prefer both and I also feel that it’s more equal – however I do know two very academically distinguished and masculine bottoms that are anything but effeminate. From what I’ve been told by some members of the older generation, a lot of young men start off as tops and then convert to bottoms as they age. It depends on how you feel, and you need to find someone solid to explore this whole moment with.

A lot of this advice is contingent upon where you want to start, what your sex drive is and what experience you have with dudes. There are guys that have had long-term relationships with other dudes while in the closet, and they’re perhaps a bit more accustomed to waiting for sex and understand how it feels to love another dude. However, I’m guessing that most people in my situation just had random non-anal sex so I’m going to advise with this in mind.

Before you come out, I’d suggest that you generally refrain from hooking up for a few weeks. By the time you get to this state of mind, you’ll probably be rather upset and emotionally touchy so you may not really want to get off with another person. However, once you make the decision to come out there’s something more substantial to take into consideration: chances are, you’ll be the first gay dude that most of your friends have ever met. You will be examined a little bit to see how things roll, and it’s always best to be discrete or abstinent (unless you’re in a relationship) until things settle down. You’ll act very weird for the first month or so until you’ve calmed down. A few words of advice during this period: do not drink in large crowds of people if you tend to get chatty while you’re drunk.

Should you already be in this position, I’d highly recommend that you take some time off from hooking up to learn about yourself. You need to ask yourself a lot of questions: what kind of guy do I like? How should he act? How important are physical traits such as a six-pack or a large penis that were formerly very important when searching for a hookup? Does he make me feel safe? What do I need from someone to trust them? If you’re flipping, getting penetrated is the most insanely intimate act humanly possible. It’s almost a bit traumatizing in a bizarre way. You’ll need to be gently touched and kissed through it and, if it’s your first time, it will sting quite… badly.

If you haven’t lost your virginity to a one-night stand, then please heed my advice and abstain from doing so. I did, and it was an atrocious mistake of the highest caliber. I read the signs but I deluded myself into thinking that I wouldn’t be played, and I vacillated in between happy and steaming for the next two weeks until there was radio silence. I understood what happened. He understood what happened. It takes two to tango, and I’m equally as responsible for my bad decision as he was. Also, for the love of God, use a condom. You don’t know what your partner’s been doing and until you know this kid like he’s family, you use a fucking condom. Common sense.

I don’t always have it, haha.

Once you’re calm and collected, you willfind someone. The thing that absolutely sucks about love is that you cannot force it. You won’t really have any control over who you fall in love with, but you can discern what characteristics you like (1. Trustworthy; 2. Everything else.) in order to avoid bad eggs. So, how do you go about finding this guy?

First, you’ll hear from whatever gay friends that you have about how they were just sitting in class and sat down right next to his boyfriend and it was just fate. I can’t say I’ve had this happen – I needed a little extra help and I have absolutely no "gaydar" – so don’t get discouraged. Second, any thoughts you’ve had of turning your best straight friend gay should immediately be discounted from your head. If he hasn’t taken the step to be open, then you do not try to bark up that tree. Leave well alone.

A lot of girls will be completely psyched to have a masculine gay friend who they can vent with. Their boyfriends will also totally get a kick out of you because, well, girls can be sort of annoying and you’ll make for better conversation if she’s being pissy. Girls will also tend to know a lot of other gay guys – if you’re under the age of 21, sorry, this may not apply – through work or something, so give it a shot. I met the guy I’m seeing now through one of my straight guy friends, so be prepared for suitors to come out of the wings. You should also go on every date (often they’re blind) offered, even if you know that you two would never be in a relationship.

When our parents were born in the 1950s or 1960s, dating was something that you did rather casually. Most guys today think a date implies something more serious because that’s how most heterosexual people treat them, but really a date is nothing more than just getting to know a person. The more dates you go on, the more experience you’ll have at establishing small talk. If you aren’t sure about a guy – maybe I like him, maybe I don’t – then always follow up with a second date. Here are some good first date ideas:

1   .      Football games or any sports that are televised 2   .      A two-person athletic activity, such as biking or sailing 3   .      "Drinks" at decent bar, get a max of two (Macallan’s straight for the win) and chat 4   .      An activity that you really enjoy and are willing to take a risk that the other person will enjoy too. Some people like that Japanese animation crap. If that’s you, go for it – he’ll find out eventually. I like museums. Depends on what you’re into

…and so on, and so forth. You should never have a date at your apartment or dorm. There are a lot of reasons for this, but I’m sure you can guess what they are without me writing them down for you like an infant.

Finally, the character of the person is far more important than any physical factor. It’s trite, I know. However, it is a valid statement because there are a lot of bad dudes out there who can bruise you and put you back into an uncomfortable situation. Frankly, no one wants to coddle the gay guy when he breaks up or has an unpleasant relationship, so you’re going to have to be double the man that your straight friends are and suck it up until you can talk to a gay buddy.

Be conservative with your body and demand respect from whoever gets to touch it.

I’m Frat Star, and that’s my lecture on the principles of Bro Dating. Next week? Telling your straight friends that you love dick.

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