There was a time when I'd get more than butterflies in my stomach. There were damn near elephants in there! If I had made plans to meet someone, to hook up..I'd be so nervous..so worried.Often, the meetings were little more than getting jerked off or blown by some guy. But, still, I was nervous. Then, after, I'd get the guilts. I'd be so worried going home that I'd be found out...that someone would see something different, notice or smell something on me.
But, like a soldier who see's his brothers in arms routinely get killed or the kid who plays violent video games..they get desensitized by the repeated nature of the actions and no longer see the actions as violent - I no longer feel the guilt.
My life is otherwise normal..family time, kids, work. But, once a week or so...I do things that I now, no longer feel is odd or worth feeling guilty about.
It's a progression. You go from one year of "can I actually do this?" to "how can I do this?" to "when can I do this again?" When I sit back and think about it..or write about it now..those guilty feelings still come back - like battle scars.
Some days..I'm just so tired...tired of sneaking around..weary of the anonymous, casual and meaningless sex that brings immediate, yet only momentary relief. Sometimes, I'm tired of life in general.
I see "normal" couples walking around seemingly happy. I want that..for myself and my wife. It would be simple, it would be stress-free, it would be nice.
But, I know..there's no way to accomplish that. There's no way to turn the switch off. There's no pill, medicine or elixir for what I feel...for what I desire. If there was a way..a procedure..but, absent castration..I unfortunately don't think there's a way to stop.
